I want too
much from
Life, and I
see that it’s bollocks
Anyway because
it’s not like things would be
Significant if
I were to kill myself. So, should I be trusting
My sight
with information that doesn’t make sense and doesn’t
Matter, or
should I just go ahead and say “Fuck it, it’ll be ok” for the hundredth
Time?
I don’t have
a gun,
And I don’t
have a reason to, ok. I have too much to
do to take my life. Someone
would have
to deal with my decision, and they would surely stop me if
they
realized what was going on in my cognition.
And I don’t
want to be
institutionalized and have that intake
available
for records, though I don’t
know if it
is.
And they
will cry and say, “Please, Austin, don’t do it!
You have so much to live for!” “So
much to live for” is so cliché. If I’m happy,
sad, angry, lonely, excited, afraid, or otherwise, it’s all useless
feelings. I
Try so hard,
day to day, and it seems like so many stupid goddamn assholes are excelling at
this bullshit.
Mean, come on! Is it your God that you are unconsciously living for? Maybe I
should ask someone else. “These
things that have comforted me, I drive away.”
A great line. He’s saved my life on more than one occasion by distracting me
from what I’m
thinking. Everything passes, so why
bother waiting on death? It’s natural,
would be easier than falling asleep most nights, and thanatos comforts me, like
a drug not tried but lusted after.
