Eponymous

I don’t know how to start this but

here I go.

Do we get to know ourselves before

we meet other people?

Certainly not.

And then, what is the motivation to try

after that?

I might be crazy,

and I say might to be generous, but

I often wonder how much I need other people,

how much they need me

and how much I need myself.

Perhaps one of the most common affirmations I’ve heard

in my head recently is that

I am beautiful.

Beauty is the total encompassing of integrity and creativity

along with a level of aptitude.

After repeating it so many times, I find it harder to believe

so there’s obviously something missing.

It’s difficult to need people and not need people,

or what I mean is

I need people to remind me that I don’t need them

and to have someone to give something to

in order to find cosmic importance and yes,

moral superiority sometimes.

What I mean is that everyone’s older or weaker or an imbecile

or running around with their smartphones or enslaved,

and by enslaved, I mean without knowing it.

And I know comparing myself to other people is deadly,

and I do it because I don’t want to not be lazy sometimes

because, you see

it’s much easier to look out than in,

the way eyes operate.

Kindness

When I smile
the world is enveloped with a
glowing quintessence from my
nerves to the grass and
back to the warm mist of cognition.

All from a significant influx
of hormones, lady,
so I can change...
well that was obvious.

1000 positive changes
interspersed with a recurrence of
pretty bad behavior to effectively
distract me.

I talk to myself,
diagetic voices that
rule me with a wicked smile.

I kill the voices with kindness.

Is

So let me wonder:

Is the love I
demonstrate to a
pained level
the result of
my surroundings?

Is everything I
have come to believe
a result of
hanging about with
what I'm unsure of?

Is my very view
on attraction anything
more than innumerable
hormones being received
in different volumes?

Is my fear of
an untimely death
little more than
desiring to be
remembered?

Is there any chance
of being a
husband and parent
when I don't know how
to care for myself?

And is there
substantial reason
to keep trying
for the sunset when
we all know
the night will come?

Surprise Baby

A girl I know had a baby
and she wasn't pregnant.
I didn't believe it at first, either.

The story is
she went to the doctor
for suspected appendicitis
who said she was 9 mos. pregnant.

SURPRISE!

And she had her period every month, too.

SURPRISE!

It was a girl.  She kept it.

SURPRISE!

The father is _______
but I probably shouldn't say who
because I don't know.

I can't help but think when we met:
she was with a girl I would date
for close to two years a
and fall to pieces over
but I wanted her before that
and that brown-eyed girl got in the way.

I dodge life experiences
intentionally and sometimes
by mistake.

Surprise.

And I'd do it again

Suppose I told you that it all returns to
the crooked Creator,
no
sorry
I meant Jesus,
endowed with deference, the ultimate superpower.

Suppose I then said it makes the sexes unequal
and the good and bad the result of experience,
and none of it nothing but coincidence.

It doesn't change anything
at first; unlearning takes longer.
Eventually you might see the fornicating trees
or the earth moving, not the sky.

There are a few of us, and we are
often strong against G-d
but weak with the cave-dwellers and their
enticing games and community constructed of dark
inverse interpretation.

God is dead,
dead as the broken window in a factory
the sun on January 8th
piano in the inner city
or a lobster training.